Nail in the Wall

I have now lived in my apartment for 6 months and I love it. I have already written about the initial anxiety I felt when all the stuff I own in life (well the fairly small amount of stuff) got here. However, that anxiety seems to have passed and I have even been able to purchase a few more things to make my apartment cozy. Because it sure is cozy. I love that it is situated on the top floor. I also like that it’s very airy and together with my light hardwood floor, large windows and high ceilings it makes the apartment very bright. So yes, I am very happy with my place of residence.

However, recently, a phenomenon has presented itself which does not surprise me, but what does surprise me is how big of an impact it has on me. I seem to be completely unable to commit to putting up paintings, shelves etc. I cannot for the life of me commit to putting a nail in the wall. Is this only me or does any of my other vagabond friends feel the same way?

I generally have no problem with commitment, in let’s say relationships. When I have been in a relationship I am a very loyal and devoted girlfriend. And with friends I am there 100 percent. Now it's more with Skype calls, WhatsApp etc. but I am there. My straight A’s speak for themselves when it comes to commitment to my school work. And I have never been fired from any job, but always done my best and that has definitely paid off.

Okay, but you who know me well, we all know where this notion of not committing to putting a nail in the wall comes from. My vagabond lifestyle - my commitment to traveling. My non-commitment to things. I have had 12 homes outside of living with my parents. And as a small child, I was allowed to decorate my rooms how I wished and so I did. And no, I was not raised in a mansion where I had a bedroom, a playroom etc. What I mean with the plural form of the word “room” is that sometimes my parents, my sister and I switched rooms, all to accommodate different stages of life. And of course I didn’t want to make tons of holes in my parents’ walls! But I guess I reckoned that even though I knew I wouldn't live there forever in my naïve childish thinking I thought my parents were. (I guess part of me still thinks they will – don’t ever move mom and dad!). Anyway, putting up stuff was not daunting.

But living in different countries on borrowed time makes you constantly question the future. I have always lived in the US and in Australia on various visas. This means I am a guest of the nation who has granted me said visa. Although, I also gave something back to those countries, money for my studies and later my skills when I held various jobs there. But you always feel you may have to leave. You may run out of money even if you budget for a year abroad, fluctuations in currency is sometimes a bitch. You may have your visa revoked if you behave inappropriately. Don’t worry; neither things have happened to me. I rock at living on a budget and have never been arrested for dancing naked in the middle of Downtown St. Louis. Point is, you may have to leave fairly rapidly and having a big house full with stuff is just not appealing for a vagabond.

But even more so as a vagabond, you probably WANT to move. I am fine anywhere and everywhere so maybe I haven't allowed roots to settle. I didn’t really know where I would end up, and I guess I still really don’t. I loved the US and I did see myself stay there for a long, long time. Both in St. Louis, my American hometown, as well as in Las Vegas where I was heading to set up camp at one point. And I was fine with that existence, thinking I probably would stay in the US. But I never wanted to invest in nice things as I had to give them away upon departure, and I just wasn’t sure IF I would stay.

I like to have few things around me of good quality. At times, recently, I have caught myself with settling with less nicer things, just like back in the days, when in reality I am now living in a country where I am allowed to live for the rest of my life (if I choose to do so). I am finally living in a country where I hold a citizenship; Sweden can’t kick me out, even though I am pretty bad at being Swedish. So I am changing my ways and have invested in things for my apartment. This may just be the very final step. Putting a nail in the wall.

I started out by buying self-adhesive hooks at Clas Ohlson (kind of like a mix of Wal-Mart /Lowes for my American readers). The people I told about this laughed at me and said I need to get over it. But it's hard. It's been like this for the past 12-14 years! My adult years. My formative years. I have basically not put anything up on any walls during those years. Maybe one or two paintings…I know that’s a bit crazy and I know some people decorate their dorm rooms /apartments right away upon arrival and can’t feel it’s theirs until they have done so. But I have been able to breathe because I have lacked “stuff”. Maybe it’s a Buddhist thing, non-permanence and that things always change. And if all things change then we should make it easier for change to happen, right? To be able to pack up fast?  No, I really need to stop this. I am not planning to leave my apartment anytime soon. And I also hold a firsthand contract to my apartment which means my landlord can’t kick me out for no reason. I should not get any noise complaints against me more than the occasional loud mixer sound while making smoothies in the middle of the night and feather light jumping noises from my yoga practice. Why would anyone ever make smoothies and practice yoga in the middle of the night you say? Well, that happens when you have a job where you work different shifts and you are up at all kinds of hours of the day. Point is I am not leaving anytime soon. I have a job I love and I am finally close to my family again! Sure I won’t live in my beautiful, newly renovated, but small apartment in the heart of the city forever. I can’t really see raising a kid here. Where the heck would a crib go? Where I keep my yoga mat and bolster?! Maybe. But again, I am light-years away from kids. And I guess the the holes in the walls will just have to be patched up then.

 Because I have to live, I have to enjoy the moment. I am trying to be more mindful…And here you were thinking that I was only speaking about the act of putting a nail in the wall, its clearly much deeper :)…If I act like I have always acted and do not put anything up because I am thinking I need to pack up a few suitcases and get the hell out of Dodge on a sort notice, then obviously I am living in the past. If I am not putting anything up because I am thinking it’s no point anyway because I won’t live here forever, well then it means I am living in the future. So maybe if I dare to put up the painting I just bought (yes I bought art!) then maybe this means I am practicing mindfulness?

Perhaps I will put a nail in a wall tonight? Or maybe just a self-adhesive hook....no, it’s time to make a commitment to the wall!